Posted: December 8, 2015 in Blog Posts, Short Stories
Tags: , , , ,

 I see no one by my side, I see no one when I look behind. It seems every road is saying no to me, the word ‘destiny’ is out of my life’s dictionary.

I always think and give a thought what am I doing here? Where do I have to go? Hell what? Where? Why…and yes! Many more freaking questions, which won’t be answered today, tomorrow…never in future too.

God witnessing this moment is the worst you could do for me. God! You rewarded me with the things I never wanted, you hardly cared for my heart and its desires. I never complained coz’ I don’t even demanded them. But why this? I know in this big world there are numerous people who pray and even fast for their wishes to be fulfilled. God! I understand you must be busy somewhere fulfilling the wishes of others. But, don’t you think among these people you are leaving her.

Yes it’s me. I don’t demand much but just want to remind you to shower some blessings over here too. I have long forgotten about the things I dot deserve but, I have done at least enough for what I really want or is it just a game for you?

Well this game has been one sided. For every long now I request you to leave the thought of winning every time. You must be thinking why am I cursing and complaining to god so much? So here goes my story:

3 august 2012, 2:40 pm

I just stepped out from my lancers’ bus, giggling, laughing and talking with my friends.

On my way back to home, Gaurav came. I asked, ‘What now?’ in an irritating and weird expression.

Gaurav said, ‘Chill I am not here to disturb you but there is something serious. I am going to murthal, he met with an accident. Please don’t scold him and you relax.’

‘What? How? When?’ I asked in shock, nervousness, senti and each and every expression I could make. I sweated, cried…I rushed to the house, dialing each and every number I had but all the numbers were off.

‘Kuch kha too le, aate hi phone par lag gayi’ mom shouted. She asked, ’Paani too pee. Kya hua you seem tensed’.

3:00 pm

Ting tong!

Guess what who was there at the door…some known faces, some were unknown too. Tuition mates, society friends, vidya bharti mutual friends. My friend held my hand and asked, ‘Kuch pata chala?’

I was still confused, still blabbering. She said, ‘he…ummm…’ and what next I fainted. I still wonder vo paani ka glass kaha gaya that my mother holded at that time. Spilled on the floor out of shock or thrown on my face.

You must be wondering who ‘he’ is. What happened next. Here you go what actually happened.

I miss him a lot, we spent years together. But today he is no more in this world. He died few months and two years ago in an accident while returning from murthal. I still remember, he used to teach me accounts as our tuition used to be the same, used to fight over 1 mark, seats and all the kidish things.

Few months back while I was giving English classes staring at that poem…Khushi asked, ‘ didi, what happened?’. I replied her back with a smile and a tear dropped too. Oh’ ozymandious,  I taught him the same.

‘he’- oops! I forgot who is ‘he’? vaibhav bhateja. Every time he used to ask me and complain ‘ yaar please bhateja mat bola karo na personality ko suit nhi karta’ hahaha ! I used to laugh even more as I am doing right now. On our way to tuition, we used to be together, talking, discussing at time, arguing about marks, eating green lays, momos. All of a sudden he held my hand and asked me to shift a bit.

‘please thoda is side ho jao.’ I asked ‘ what happened? Often this thing has happened.’ He replied,’ I wont tell you now else you will make a mock out of me’. The reason was.’ Yaar I am afraid of dogs. I get nervous. I get numb.’ I replied hahaha as if I am Jhansi ki rani.

‘bandariya’ – my nickname given by him. I still cant find out the reason why he used to call me so. Similarly he was my bandar. What relation it was, is still a mystery. Our society aunties used to complain that we roam around, hang out so something must be going on. But we knew what it was. I wont say my boyfriend, my soul mate or any other name, but a guy rather a stranger became my best friend and beyond that. A guy who was so sweet, caring, close to my heart, from whom I never thought to be apart. A guy who never talked about love life but his future of becoming a C.A. , love his family unconditionally, thought of their happiness, always used to share whenever I will grow up, promise will become something for them. His words used to motivate, inspire me. He was supposed to carry me, handle me, tackle me, until death do us apart.

I never believed in love until the day I first saw him. The day I first spoke to him. I just could not stop smiling whenever I heard his name. He taught me actually what true love was. He used to say whenever any old person passes by he just had one thought, ‘ mujhe bhudha nhi hona.’

I rarely go out to talk to anyone since that miserable day of my life. I can fool the world with my fake smile but not my close ones. Every time they ask me about the matter I simply refuse and change the topic. He died, I cried. World take my smile as my happy go lucky life but I know inside it’s me who is dying.

Our memories of our time spent together makes me smile and his loss makes me cry at the same time.

I just pray to god that just once if I could get him back again. I just pray I would have died in his place but I want him alive back, just to hug him tight and never leave. I still daydream about his coming back to life just living like before once again. Whenever my friend ask me to move on I with tears just smile and walk away. I can go on for days and months talking about him and his qualities. Every night I go to bed crying despite knowing the fact there is no coming back.

I wish I could bring him from heaven…sometimes I wish heaven to have visiting hours. I just want to spend one last day with him, just one more time, one last goodbye. But alas! I could only wish. The gaps between my fingers have been vacant for too long now, it’s been too long since I saw the eyes that could show the real ME. I don’t see the light anymore, just a dark road leading to a limbo, this loneliness is just killing me, it is eating me from inside. But, you only tell me god, the only possible answer that might keep me going.

There was a voice that always told me that I am special, even when I know I am not. There was a hand that could guide me through the darkest of the despair, islands you could ever create, there was a smile who trusts me more than I do, which made me felt how beautiful place this world is, there were eyes that made crawling to live another life, even the thought of him used to bring order out of chaos in my messed up life, with I could be exactly as you (god) made me.

That hand, that smile, with those twinkling eyes was ‘he’ vaibhav. You brought him to my life and my life turned upside down, he was no less than a divine miracle of yours in my life. I started believing in you, in me, in love and in life. But…that happiness was temporary. Ultimately my heart was broken. God you showed your true side. Don’t take me to that bridge which I inevitably have to cross and jumping off might seem a better option and I promise I would die a thousand times just to have one moment with him. I miss him with every drop of my blood and every sigh of breath has his name written on it. It would be a shame to let the most beautiful thing that you created to see its DEATH. I can promise you one thing that it’s the most honest prayer that you would ever hear,

‘You are the only one who has asked him before me.’

It was both sided but maybe we were not blessed together from your side and left only with one sided love, one who is with you sitting by your side and other praying. Remember god, you have him in your arms but I have him in my heart. In this life game you won, but you have no choice except making him mine in next and many more births to come.

‘’ Death is the loss of life, but you are my loss for rest of my life” 

Divya Malhotra For Beyond Sanity Publishing

Art By Sheharyar Fakeha

  1. kosmogonic says:

    You made me cry. I cannot offer a prayer for you, for in this I do not believe either, for I am never spoken to, but I still hope in my heart, against hope, that a little light of ease, of succour, of peace, of joy can still shine in lives like these, at least from time to time. Peace. K

    Liked by 2 people

  2. kosmogonic says:

    Blessings, if it can ever be the place of humans to confer such.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Divya Malhotra says:

    I am so glad that people are liking this thank you so much
    Love 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dharmishtha says:

    Wow!! Divya malhotra!!! I have knwn you for 14 yrs of my life maybe more now!! This was a stunner … Yes i have tears rolling down my cheeks .. I cant promise he will be back or i wont offer a prayer!! But i know where ever he would be his soul is resting in peace!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. utsav sharma says:

    Glad to read this beautiful story my friend keep it up because of you reality become a story

    Liked by 1 person

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