“Do you do this to fish compliments ?” asked my gorgeous classmate from the other table. I stared at her, noticing how her foundation clung to her face like a mud mask. Her eyebrows had been accentuated with the broad strokes of cosmetics. Her eyeliner highlighted her feline like personality and ruby red lipstick burned my eyes. Yet i admired her. In spite of putting on layers of make-up she still believed she was beautiful.

And then there was me. A girl who to whom even if the world bowed down to swear by her being moderately attractive would just bend her head and shy away because she knew the truth. Sometimes I just wondered what it would be like if those words of being a useless pile of rubbish were not drilled into my mind. I sighed. Some things were just mere figments of imagination.

I picked up my bag and went home. Sitting in front of the mirror I strained my eyes hard to see what the world saw and swore by but I couldn’t simply see. Pin straight light brown hair with natural amber streaks . Almond shaped light brown eyes framed by curled lashes. A too slim nose followed by a set of cupid shaped lips. All these plain Jane features were pasted on a heart shaped pasty white face. At least that is what I saw. And thats what he told me.. That I was simply no good.

My heart lurched in my chest. Although it had been years, yet the traitorous organ never failed to hurt at those memories of belittlement. Its said a father is a girls first hero. He sets the bar of how the girl should let others treat her. Some hero he was. A hero who never let any opportunity to cause the optical floodgates to unleash.

As streams of hurt flowed down my face, the broken record film of my last encounter with him replayed itself. How he told me he wanted to shoot me. How I am a disgrace to mankind. How an offspring like me should burn in hell. How useless I am.


An utter pile of rubbish.

How I am dead to him.

The knife dove deeper and deeper into the deepest crevices of my battered soul.

All this..why ? Because I was a girl ? Because God failed to send me into this world as a member of the dominant ruling pedigree-enhancing race ? As a boy ? As a man ? Surely it must be a great sin to be a female.

As my shattered heart continued to beat and lurch erratically inside my ribcage I questioned my whole existence. If the world claimed I was a beautiful girl, then what was the point of such beauty when one cant see it through their own two eyes ? When it cant win over a fathers approval , love and support that I craved for my whole life ? If beauty can let you pocket the world, then why did my facial bussiness card fail to get me the acceptance of my primal caregiver ?

As I pondered over these aching thoughts with a pulsating heart, I knew one thing for sure, he RUINED me. He ruined my trust in men, in relationships and most significantly in love.

I was truly a beautiful site of a ruined human carcass…



 S Butt For Beyond Sanity Publishing


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